Envy? Sure. But keep happy anyways

Last evening I met up with a friend over drinks. We had not met for quite a while now, and after about an hour of catching up the conversation changed. It went something like this ...

Friend: I envy you. You are happy. You left your job, and now get to work on your own terms, at your own pace. I wish I could do that.

Me: No you don’t.

Friend: Why?

Me: Because if you really wished to do that, then you would already have.

Friend: Are you saying I don’t want to or I won’t.

Me: Well it’s simple actually. You worked towards what you wanted and mostly got it too, so all I am saying is that if you REALLY wanted this you would have. Although I don't know what 'this' is.

Friend: Huh!! I want to be carefree and happy like you.

Me: OK! So are you saying you are unhappy? Let me ask you something then. You mentioned you are envious about me being happy with my way of life. And I am wondering whether you are envious of me being happy? or are you envious of my way of life? Or are you just unhappy looking at me and my way of life?

Friend: Aren’t they the same? You are happy because of your way of life ultimately.

Me: And what about you? Are you not happy?

Friend: I don’t know. But I want to be happy like you, I guess.

Me: Ah ha. Happy like me? That's tough. Then you will have to become me and you are great just the way you are. And then you know, I was happy even earlier. So is it because of my way of life? 

Friend: I don't know. You tell me.

Me: OK!!! Let me understand this. Tell me, when you chose to take the offer from the multinational on a higher pay and I chose to work with the start-up, did you envy me then.

Friend: Well to be frank not then, but yes, later I did envy that you grew much faster than me and all that media coverage you earned as you grew the business leaps and bounds.

Me: Oh! Then what about the 3 houses you own and the Imported SUV you drive, while I still travel by public transport or taxi? Do you envy me then?

Friend: Well no. But you don’t have to worry about the driver being absent, or about the high maintenance cost of these fuel guzzlers, or the upkeep and maintenance headache of multiple houses.

Me: Ok then, how about the frequent foreign trips you make on company work and the 5 star hotels you stay in and the chauffeur driven cars you travel in. You seem to love all that and talk about it all the time. Do you envy me then?

Friend: No but then again, you do take more holidays than me and travel all over the world. I do envy the time you spend holidaying with family and the exotic places you really get to see.

Anyways what are you trying to get at?

Me: Just that although you made a conscious choice of stability and higher pay as regards work. Although you live a comfortable life and have all the luxuries & lead the life you always yearned for, you still want something else? I am just trying to figure out what exactly makes you unsure and / or unhappy.

Notice all the buts in all your answers? You seem to be looking for something to be envious and unhappy about.

Friend: It’s not that I haven’t got what I wanted man, but somehow you always seem at peace, happier, and having a lot of fun in life overall. That is what I envy actually.

Me: Ah!! Are you saying you envy that I always seem happier in some way?

Friend: Yes

Me: Well my friend. Think a little. You took your decisions in life and I took mine. You are constantly looking back, looking around and seeing what you missed, what you don’t have instead of being happy now, whereas I never looked back or wondered ‘what if?’ I am just Happy doing it or being with it.

You are enjoying your chosen way of life, but envying something else and hence making yourself unhappy, whereas I am having fun with my choices and happy irrespective of those. 

That is the only difference. You are killing your happiness by envying mine!!! Constantly looking for what you don't have instead of just being being happy. I on the other hand am just happy. 

Happiness is not in what we have or don’t. It’s in enjoying what & where we are, it’s in living our choices.

Friend: You mean to say I chose to be unhappy and you chose to be happy?

Me: Right now it’s the envy that is making you unhappy where as I don't even need a reason to be happy. I just am. Get it?

Happiness is not external; it is within us. Being happy is one of the many choices we have. Envy for sure. But for Happiness - look inwards. Get it???

Friend: Err!

Just another Manic Monday. Or any other day in fact.

"Oh How I hate Mondays. Start of another week. The long drive to office & back. The traffic jam, all the honking and the cursing. The firefighting at work that keeps pushing urgent tasks further back in the list until they become fires themselves. And the Boss will call to check if the presentation is ready. Oh How I hate those PPT’s. Why does he not understand that I have work to do and those PPT’s are such a waste of time anyways. 

And then he’ll ask why is the project delayed? How the hell am I supposed to do work, when I have these stupid presentations to make all the time? Does he not understand I can only do so much in so much time? Who made this guy the Boss anyways? And am sure Priya will be hovering around with more sob stories of her family. Hey I have troubles of my own, why can’t she leave me alone? What do I look like? The all-knowing messiah or what?  And Vivek will most probably not come in today just to avoid the Monday meeting and I will have to handle his part again. Oh!! GOD! Why me?"

The above sounds familiar? How about this?

"Oh! Man! Monday!!! Ughhhhh. Another week of tolerating those nincompoop employees of mine, why can’t they just get at some things right? Why the hell am I paying them if I have to do their jobs also? Why can’t people just think? Morons all of them. Sometimes it feels Am running thus business all on my own.

And then those stupid clients. Always complaining. And always negotiating. Hell if I had so much margin in my price, I won’t be listening to them crib all the time, but would have been holidaying in Switzerland instead. Idiots. And then those payments follow ups. Ghosh!!! Why can’t people just pay on time? They want the best quality, will haggle on price all the time, and then when it comes to payments they just bloody disappear. And the sales guy will say they are not picking up the phone and I will have to call each one of them on my own. And the accountant will come and say the tax has to be paid as we have already raised invoice, and that the supplier is refusing to send raw material if he is not paid for his last consignment, and he can’t handle things if the payments don’t come soon. Hell!!! That is why I hired you. To handle these things. And the supervisor will definitely be asking for that advance I promised I will look into. What does he think? I am a magician or a Bank or what? Oh GOD!!! Why Me?"

And how about this?

"Oh Shit, its Monday. I should not have agreed with Suvarna I will send her the work by the weekend. And I haven’t even been able to get started on her work. Just needed that weekend off Boss. Even we freelancers have some life and need a break sometime. People think they own us, and expect us to work 24x7 just because we are freelancers. They take ages to give their brief, but then want us to deliver on time.

I would have still done it but then Suvir just took ages to decide and wanted changes after changes after changes and kept me busy going back and forth the whole of last week. Why can’t these clients just let us do our jobs? If you know so much do it yourself man.  But heck I know I need the business. Someone has to pay the Goddamn rent and bills. Oh heck I have to also meet the CA for my taxes this week. And he will ask for the bills and expect them to be filed properly and the copies of my invoices and the bank statements and God knows what else. OH My!!! how am I going to do all that? And have to call a few people up also this week and look for more business else I will be dead broke by the month end again. And also those 2 clients from last and last to last month who haven’t sent me the payment as yet. Am sure they will say they have not received the Invoice and will want me to send it once again. How come these people so conveniently loose the invoice when it’s time for payment. When will this change? Oh God!!! Why Me???"

Any of the 3 scenarios above sound familiar? Is it you? Or is it just everyone? Did we choose this? Did we just land up here? Is it just us? Why? Can we change something here? Can You?

Well I signed out of all this long back. When are you?

Practice what you preach

It’s all around us. The ‘Free ka Gyan” - The 'Quotes'. We see it being shared by all and sundry on Facebook, on WhatsApp, on Pinterest and everywhere else possible. The ‘Chanakya niti /neeti” quotes, the friendship quotes, the quotes on living right, the quotes on love and the like.

It’s there with the good morning post on WhatsApp groups when you check your phone first thing in the morning and it’s there on your news feed when you check your Facebook account during the day and its again there as a thought for a day or good night message when you are ready to crash at night and all times in between.

And I hate it. Ok, hate here may be too strong a word but I surely don't like it. Why? Not because the quotes are not good, but because most of the times, I know the person sharing it is himself / herself doing just the exact opposite in real life. It’s almost as if they are saying “Oh! I know this and do not follow it. But you should. It’s not for me. It’s for you.” Feels like all the cramming we do as children in school, just to vomit it out in the exams, but not really understand any of it. “Give me good marks because I remember it. So what if I don’t understand or follow any of it.”

Take a simple quote like 

I have seen all kinds of people who share this simple quote but are partying with their friends or colleagues, or are busy at work all nights and on their cell phones and laptops on weekends, while their spouse / children / parents are eating dinner alone.

Someone I know shared 

and all her friends know that she bitches about everybody behind their back. So I guess she’s not a “True friend” to anybody else but by sharing wants them to be true friends to her?

The other day I heard a father quote this famous one to his daughter 

and he himself does not sleep till way past midnight or get up early in the morning. Remember children learn more by example

Now am not saying that ALL people who share these thoughts & quotes are not following it themselves but we all know most are not as we know these people. I use a lot of such gyan & quotes myself in my blogs, in my posts and at times even in my headlines. But I do it knowing that either I am following it myself first or at least making an attempt to. I try not to preach what I do not at least make an attempt to practice. We may not be able to do all we agree with but the least we can do is try? 

Whether it is about ‘Living Life’ or being happy or positive thinking, what I write about I try to follow first. In fact, writing about it helps me understand it, debate it and most importantly, follow it.

So here is a quote for all the people who share without even making an attempt to internalize and follow what they share ;-) 

And I hope they don’t JUST share it again. 

Change is the only constant, but routine is what we love

A dear friend, passed away recently. Within a week of being admitted to the hospital, she was gone. And we were all heart broken, shocked, and trying to put a logic to it.

She was a dear friend I said. But a lot of us had not really met her for a long time. We were busy with our lives as she was with her. We were old friends. But most of us didn’t find the time to meet each other very often. After all everybody was very busy with their own lives. Busy with work, busy making money, busy proving ourselves to this world, busy with our family, busy with our children and busy doing our daily chores.

In that one week that she was in the hospital, we were out there in the waiting area trying to help in any which way we could. While there we also caught up with each other’s lives. Everyone said how it was very sad that we had to meet like this and that we just didn’t make time to catch up with each other any longer. Promises were made to make sure we keep close henceforth, catch up more often, meet more often, share more often. And then she left us all. For Good.

More than a month after that, and I could see us all fading away from each other once again as we got back to our so called routines. Everyone slowly got back to their lives, everyone was busy in their routines again. Ah! The known, comfortable routine.

Well we finally decided to break this routine. We started by keeping in touch more often and then using any possible occasion as a reason to meet. And it has helped us all. It has helped us cope with the loss of a dear friend, it has helped us help each other, it has made us happier to some extent. The sad thing is that we had to lose a friend forever to make us break the routine.

We humans love our routines. We really do. Oh Yes! we do crib about the same, clamor for change, long for breaks but let’s face it – almost all of us still cling to our routines. Why? Because it’s the known, its regular, its safe. That’s where we actually feel the most comfortable – in our routines. And we all have our excuses, the job, the need to make money, the hectic schedules of juggling job/business and family etc.

As we grow in life, our priorities change, our friends change and over time, so do our routines. But when we get to one routine we like to be there for as long as we can until life forces us to change the same and then we develop another routine and then get comfortable with that.

There is nothing wrong with establishing and sticking to a routine per say, however it has its negatives too. Routine stops us from being spontaneous, routine makes us blind to things around us, routine stops innovation, routines breaks ties with the past, routine stops us from seeing the future, routine prevents us from learning new things, etc. Routine also stops us from seeing the change happening around us, the change in people, circumstance and everything else. Change is the only constant but we become blind to it.

I can go on and on but what’s most important to see here is that since routine does not like change, it also makes us lazy, and hinders, growth & progress and worst of all, it makes us take things people and life in general for granted. Any small change makes us frustrated. Any major change makes us insecure. We stop to see people as they are but start seeing them as we had once perceived them to be. And if others want to change we try to stop them from the same. Most importantly routine at times keeps us away from people who matter to us, people we love, people who we miss dearly when they are gone. It keeps us from doing what we love and from following our passion.

Oh Yes we all know that we should stop to smell the roses, but do we? We all know that we should be open to new ideas and change in people but are we? We all know that we should make time for our parents our children, our spouse, for exercise, for giving back to society, but do we? We all know that we should keep in touch with our old friends but do we? We all have that one two or many things we want to learn or do in our life, be it learning to play the drums, or to go mountain climbing, to see the 7 wonders of the world, but most of us don’t. We all know that time is passing and what we are missing, but routine takes hold of us and keeps us chained and all we are left with, is just the routine itself.

Numerous times we have seen or heard or read about regrets of people who are on their death beds. What is the most common one? Not making time. Not making time for ourselves, our near and dear ones, for what is important.

Can we start making a small change today and say we will make some time every week to stop and talk to someone we love or like, spend time with family and friends, connect with people we have missed, do the things we have always wanted to do? Can we break from our routine to do all else that is also important, and make sure we don’t live and die with regrets? Take that career risk, go on that journey, start exercising, learn how to play drums, pamper our parents, spend time with our beloved and all that we know we should be doing.

After all, tomorrow never comes and today is all we have. So let us break the routine and be the change. Can we?

How to deal with a breakup or a loss or a down phase

Been through a breakup recently? Lost a loved one? However positive thinking or a Happy go lucky person one might be, there are events that will get you down. Sometimes there are even relatively small happenings that tend to get us down. I consider myself as a pretty happy go lucky person but there have been instances where a setback at work has also made me depressed, and down, however short that time may have been.

So how do we deal with such instances? Do we bury it deep somewhere and get on with our lives as nothing happened? Do we pretend to not care and still try to be happy? Do we try and see the positive in it (well yes we can) and shrug and move on?

The answer as I see it, is to Live it before we do anything else. Yes, Live the moment, Live that event and the feeling - that sadness, that dejection, that depression or whatever it may be.

What do I mean by live it? I mean to ‘be’ in that moment. Feel it. Feel all the related emotions of frustration, anger, sadness too. And I mean Really feel them. Be angry, be sad, be depressed, be dejected. Do not, jump to conclusions, do not rationalize, do not take drastic actions.  In fact, do nothing at all. Just deep dive and immerse yourself in it, touch the bottom of that ocean.

And then watch yourself in that state. See the event, the reasons being put forward by your mind and the actions being suggested by the mind. See them all. Just don’t do anything. Now, stop dwelling on these thoughts and let them just come and go. Watch them come and go. In some time, all that will be left with you will be the learning. 

Now it’s time to resurface. Take your time and slowly resurface. Take a few deep breaths. Smile. Now you are ready to leave what has happened behind and move forward again. Remember those learning and start forward again. You will feel lighter and also rejuvenated. This sometimes takes time so be prepared to give it time.

What happened? You just let Life be for some time without interfering. You had an experience that enlightened you a bit, that taught you something. Now move on.

Life is full of these small and big moments. Our problem is that we start rationalizing, slicing and dicing and looking for logic and reasoning and plotting actions, allocating blame, looking for solutions outside of us. Actually it is an event that is meant to make us look within. For us to stop, to feel, to experience and to learn from.

We don’t have to actually do anything else other than Live Life.

Have a similar experience? Have a question? Please comment below and share. 

Don't go searching for happiness, Live it

All of us at some point in time have heard this story or some version of it.

A man once saw another man lying under a tree and gazing up at the sky. He asked the man “What are you doing?” The man lying under the tree replied – “Am enjoying looking at the clouds float by.” The man said “what a waste of time? Why don’t you do something productive and make some money?” The other asked him “Oh and what will happen then?”  He replied “You will be rich and famous and can do what you want and be happy” The man under the tree replied “What do you think am doing now?”

We all want to be happy don’t we? So what do we do? We go after something that we think will make us happy.

So we run after, money, fame, success, praise, etc. What we are doing is to do something that we think will make us happy when we are done or when we succeed in whatever that we set out to do. If we succeed we may be happy momentarily, but by then we are already looking at something else that we think will make us happy and we start after that. And so on.

Mostly it first starts from us thinking that we are not happy because we do not have this or that or someone else has this or that and wanting the same or better. It starts from a state of unhappiness. Or it starts from us thinking the other is happy because they have this or that. After all we are social animals and have a mind that is programmed to think logical. For us everything is with respect to someone else or something else.

Nothing wrong in wanting something or wanting to strive for something or being competitive or aspiring for better. Nothing wrong at all. In fact, the challenge of something more, something better, something different, is what keeps us alive and innovative and thinking and leads to change, and evolution and discovery.

The problem is when we start thinking I will be happy after ‘that” and then after ‘that’ and meanwhile become more and more unhappy. Being unhappy at times for small periods too is good as it pushes us and nudges us and makes us try even harder. But over longer period of times, unhappiness leads to frustration, anger, and all the related negatives that can also be the beginning of our failure and downfall. It distances us from people. It spoils our health. It brings in so much negativity that we start thinking of short cuts and all the wrong ways to make things happen. It distances us from our true selves.

Aspiring to achieve something or working towards a goal can be achieved much better if we are happy to begin with. And here what I am taking of is not happiness that comes from getting something but happiness that comes from within, happiness that comes from just living, happiness that comes from the process itself and not just the goal. Some call it bliss, some meditation but I call it being happy – from the inside.

Happiness is a state of mind. It is here and now. It comes from…. Well!!! Just being Happy.

We can all be happy. Starting Now. Start with a smile. Really ‘Want’ to be happy and lo behold you can be happy.

When we stop looking at happiness in other things only do we realize that happiness is within us. Playing with your cat or dog makes you happy? Going for a run makes you happy? Playing with your child makes you happy? Being with your lover makes you happy? Is happiness then, in the dog or cat or road or child or lover? No. Its within you. And you define what makes you happy. Only you.

Happiness like all other emotions is just that – an emotion and all your emotions are within you. When outside stimuli can trigger these emotions why can’t you? But more on that another day.

Right now just remember that to be happy all you need is to start now. Start with happiness, then set goals for achieving something, be it fame, money power or anything else, and then as you begin, remember to also enjoy the path and the process. Be happy as you strive and struggle. Enjoy the learning and the pain, enjoy the failures and the successes, enjoy the company and learning of and from people you come across the way. Spread your joy and your happiness as you work towards the goal. When you do get sad or angry or dejected along the way remember that you are already happy and then you can use that anger or dejection or sadness to further push towards your goal without dragging yourself down a dark hole.

For the first man in the story happiness came out of doing something and achieving something where as for the other it was here and now. But real happiness is in being happy and going through the journey of life, its ups and downs and its struggles and laurels, all while being happy. Enjoying every moment as it comes and as it happens. Be happy in real time. Be Happy Now!

What is life?

What is your answer to the most fundamental question “What is Life”?

Some of the most common answers I have heard are - “Life is Joy”, “Life is Happiness”, “Life is Love”, “Life is giving”, “Life is pain”, “Life is hard”, “Life is meditation”, etc.

My way of looking at it – My answer, is - Life “IS”.  Yes, you read that right. Life just “IS”. It is ‘this’ and ‘that’, and more, but fundamentally it just ‘IS’. If we understand this basic fact, then a lot of the other questions that come after “What is Life” cease to exist. Questions such as “Why”, “When”, “Where”, “How” are no longer relevant because when the answer to the fundamental question is “Life IS” then that actually answers all the other questions too.

We know we are born to die. All that in between birth & death is life and it just IS. How we relate to it, how we learn from our experiences, whether we choose to be happy or sad, whether we like or dislike is always a function of our logic. We give life definitions, names, emotions. We try and attribute logic to it like we do for everything else. And that is different for each one of us but Life meanwhile just IS.

If we can just “Be”, if we can just “feel” without feeling this or that, if we can “experience” without rationalizing, if we can just “live” each and every moment, then that, is Life.

Try just living for a day. Breathe, eat, drink, walk, talk, love, and everything else that you do. Just go about living without trying to put a logic to everything. Just the pure experience of being alive. Don’t rationalize, judge, compartmentalize, or justify. While at it be aware of what you see, touch, smell, taste. Be aware of the lives around you. Just be aware. Thoughts will come, let them, but do not dwell upon them. Let them just come & go.

Try it for a day and even if you can do this for a few minutes the first time, you may get a glimpse of what am talking about. Life – as it is.

Questions we all have, the answers we all know, but do nothing about

We all live life. Or so we think! We all live, while life just passes us by actually. We think we are living, but mostly, we are just passing through.

Then there are moments in between when we wake up, questions filling our minds, where we ask what is life or at times knowing THIS is life. But then that too passes and we quickly get back to our so called “lives”. Technically yes we are all living, but in reality ARE WE?

When did you have you last hearty laugh? When did you last just sit doing nothing and watch the wonders of this world, the trees, the flowers, the birds, the clouds, the waves, the leaves falling off the tree? When did you last just stand in the window for 10 minutes just feeling the cool breeze on your face? When did you last just walk in the rain and soak yourself?  When did you just sit around with your family or friends or relatives, and listen to what was really going on with them? I mean really listen? And the list is endless, and we know it.

As I ask these fundamental questions, more come to your mind. Cycling the by lanes, walking barefoot in the grass, lying down on our backs in the open and watching the clouds float by or form shapes, trying to count the stars in the sky. OR sit and watch our favorite movies back to back with our friends all day, or just play Carom or Monopoly, or just chill at a seaside shack the whole day with close friends and/or family. 

How many friends have we made in our life so far? I mean those who were really close and dear to us. How many have we kept in touch with? How many do we really catch up with and really talk to? And how often? And am not asking about the FB poke or WhatsApp joke or gyan sharing here. Am talking about real one on one conversation, in person. Do we really know what’s going on with them or in their live and do they know what’s going on in ours?

Did you notice how the tree in the backyard of your childhood home has grown and become huge while you were busy living your life. Have you noticed how your parents have grown older and become more childlike while you have grown older and irritable? Have you noticed how more money did not lead to more happiness actually but more wants and needs? Have you noticed how the importance of saving for retirement has actually taken over that pleasure of a sudden stop for an ice cream on the way? Have you noticed how your cravings and desires for more material goods have taken over the subtle pleasures of actual living.

Are we living life as we should be and as we know should be or are we just following the hoards?

Now think: Remember how you were honking impatiently at the old man trying to cross the road and a school boy came and helped the man across. You used to be that boy. Remember how you once rescued a kitten from a dog and got her home only to be shooed away by your mother who won’t allow you to keep her home, and how you and your friends then kept her on the terrace of the building in a box made of old cartons and rags from home and secretly brought her milk and biscuits. You used to be that girl. 

Remember how you as a kid you always looked forward to the weekend because you would get to spend time with Dad? Now he waits for those once in a year vacations of yours when you will make time and go see him. And at times two years because the last one you went for a vacation somewhere else.

Who are you now? Who do you want to be? Where do you want to go? What do you want to do? And Are you living Life? Really Living? The way you want to? Are you? Are we all???