How to deal with a breakup or a loss or a down phase

Been through a breakup recently? Lost a loved one? However positive thinking or a Happy go lucky person one might be, there are events that will get you down. Sometimes there are even relatively small happenings that tend to get us down. I consider myself as a pretty happy go lucky person but there have been instances where a setback at work has also made me depressed, and down, however short that time may have been.

So how do we deal with such instances? Do we bury it deep somewhere and get on with our lives as nothing happened? Do we pretend to not care and still try to be happy? Do we try and see the positive in it (well yes we can) and shrug and move on?

The answer as I see it, is to Live it before we do anything else. Yes, Live the moment, Live that event and the feeling - that sadness, that dejection, that depression or whatever it may be.

What do I mean by live it? I mean to ‘be’ in that moment. Feel it. Feel all the related emotions of frustration, anger, sadness too. And I mean Really feel them. Be angry, be sad, be depressed, be dejected. Do not, jump to conclusions, do not rationalize, do not take drastic actions.  In fact, do nothing at all. Just deep dive and immerse yourself in it, touch the bottom of that ocean.

And then watch yourself in that state. See the event, the reasons being put forward by your mind and the actions being suggested by the mind. See them all. Just don’t do anything. Now, stop dwelling on these thoughts and let them just come and go. Watch them come and go. In some time, all that will be left with you will be the learning. 

Now it’s time to resurface. Take your time and slowly resurface. Take a few deep breaths. Smile. Now you are ready to leave what has happened behind and move forward again. Remember those learning and start forward again. You will feel lighter and also rejuvenated. This sometimes takes time so be prepared to give it time.

What happened? You just let Life be for some time without interfering. You had an experience that enlightened you a bit, that taught you something. Now move on.

Life is full of these small and big moments. Our problem is that we start rationalizing, slicing and dicing and looking for logic and reasoning and plotting actions, allocating blame, looking for solutions outside of us. Actually it is an event that is meant to make us look within. For us to stop, to feel, to experience and to learn from.

We don’t have to actually do anything else other than Live Life.

Have a similar experience? Have a question? Please comment below and share. 

Don't go searching for happiness, Live it

All of us at some point in time have heard this story or some version of it.

A man once saw another man lying under a tree and gazing up at the sky. He asked the man “What are you doing?” The man lying under the tree replied – “Am enjoying looking at the clouds float by.” The man said “what a waste of time? Why don’t you do something productive and make some money?” The other asked him “Oh and what will happen then?”  He replied “You will be rich and famous and can do what you want and be happy” The man under the tree replied “What do you think am doing now?”

We all want to be happy don’t we? So what do we do? We go after something that we think will make us happy.

So we run after, money, fame, success, praise, etc. What we are doing is to do something that we think will make us happy when we are done or when we succeed in whatever that we set out to do. If we succeed we may be happy momentarily, but by then we are already looking at something else that we think will make us happy and we start after that. And so on.

Mostly it first starts from us thinking that we are not happy because we do not have this or that or someone else has this or that and wanting the same or better. It starts from a state of unhappiness. Or it starts from us thinking the other is happy because they have this or that. After all we are social animals and have a mind that is programmed to think logical. For us everything is with respect to someone else or something else.

Nothing wrong in wanting something or wanting to strive for something or being competitive or aspiring for better. Nothing wrong at all. In fact, the challenge of something more, something better, something different, is what keeps us alive and innovative and thinking and leads to change, and evolution and discovery.

The problem is when we start thinking I will be happy after ‘that” and then after ‘that’ and meanwhile become more and more unhappy. Being unhappy at times for small periods too is good as it pushes us and nudges us and makes us try even harder. But over longer period of times, unhappiness leads to frustration, anger, and all the related negatives that can also be the beginning of our failure and downfall. It distances us from people. It spoils our health. It brings in so much negativity that we start thinking of short cuts and all the wrong ways to make things happen. It distances us from our true selves.

Aspiring to achieve something or working towards a goal can be achieved much better if we are happy to begin with. And here what I am taking of is not happiness that comes from getting something but happiness that comes from within, happiness that comes from just living, happiness that comes from the process itself and not just the goal. Some call it bliss, some meditation but I call it being happy – from the inside.

Happiness is a state of mind. It is here and now. It comes from…. Well!!! Just being Happy.

We can all be happy. Starting Now. Start with a smile. Really ‘Want’ to be happy and lo behold you can be happy.

When we stop looking at happiness in other things only do we realize that happiness is within us. Playing with your cat or dog makes you happy? Going for a run makes you happy? Playing with your child makes you happy? Being with your lover makes you happy? Is happiness then, in the dog or cat or road or child or lover? No. Its within you. And you define what makes you happy. Only you.

Happiness like all other emotions is just that – an emotion and all your emotions are within you. When outside stimuli can trigger these emotions why can’t you? But more on that another day.

Right now just remember that to be happy all you need is to start now. Start with happiness, then set goals for achieving something, be it fame, money power or anything else, and then as you begin, remember to also enjoy the path and the process. Be happy as you strive and struggle. Enjoy the learning and the pain, enjoy the failures and the successes, enjoy the company and learning of and from people you come across the way. Spread your joy and your happiness as you work towards the goal. When you do get sad or angry or dejected along the way remember that you are already happy and then you can use that anger or dejection or sadness to further push towards your goal without dragging yourself down a dark hole.

For the first man in the story happiness came out of doing something and achieving something where as for the other it was here and now. But real happiness is in being happy and going through the journey of life, its ups and downs and its struggles and laurels, all while being happy. Enjoying every moment as it comes and as it happens. Be happy in real time. Be Happy Now!

What is life?

What is your answer to the most fundamental question “What is Life”?

Some of the most common answers I have heard are - “Life is Joy”, “Life is Happiness”, “Life is Love”, “Life is giving”, “Life is pain”, “Life is hard”, “Life is meditation”, etc.

My way of looking at it – My answer, is - Life “IS”.  Yes, you read that right. Life just “IS”. It is ‘this’ and ‘that’, and more, but fundamentally it just ‘IS’. If we understand this basic fact, then a lot of the other questions that come after “What is Life” cease to exist. Questions such as “Why”, “When”, “Where”, “How” are no longer relevant because when the answer to the fundamental question is “Life IS” then that actually answers all the other questions too.

We know we are born to die. All that in between birth & death is life and it just IS. How we relate to it, how we learn from our experiences, whether we choose to be happy or sad, whether we like or dislike is always a function of our logic. We give life definitions, names, emotions. We try and attribute logic to it like we do for everything else. And that is different for each one of us but Life meanwhile just IS.

If we can just “Be”, if we can just “feel” without feeling this or that, if we can “experience” without rationalizing, if we can just “live” each and every moment, then that, is Life.

Try just living for a day. Breathe, eat, drink, walk, talk, love, and everything else that you do. Just go about living without trying to put a logic to everything. Just the pure experience of being alive. Don’t rationalize, judge, compartmentalize, or justify. While at it be aware of what you see, touch, smell, taste. Be aware of the lives around you. Just be aware. Thoughts will come, let them, but do not dwell upon them. Let them just come & go.

Try it for a day and even if you can do this for a few minutes the first time, you may get a glimpse of what am talking about. Life – as it is.